I had some difficulty falling asleep last night.
I found myself thinking (and worrying) that I had missed a potential employment opportunity.
A local gardening-supply store had signs posted up a few weeks back, stating that they were hiring. I printed off an application from their website, but never got around to finishing it. I wasn't entirely sure how to respond to some of the questions, and I was too afraid to ask. A few days ago, while I was driving past, I noted that the signs that had been up have since been removed. I fear that the window has closed, with me stuck on the wrong side.
I don't actually know for certain, but I'm afraid to go over there and ask them. I'm even more afraid of bringing a completed application, only to be told that sorry, they weren't accepting any more applicants.
I'm afraid of what people think about me. When I talk to other people, I can feel them passing judgement over me, over what I say and do. They are silently critiquing my every word and action. I'm afraid of interacting with other people.
No.
It runs deeper than that.
I'm afraid of rejection.
I'm afraid that if I were to interact with someone, that they would find me lacking, and send me away. I'm afraid that they won't like me, won't want me around. I'm afraid that they're better off without me.
If I try to join them, I'll just get in the way. I'll just mess things up. They would send me away.
It's a preemptive strike on my part. They can't reject me if I'm not there.
That's what I was thinking about last night.
The nights are getting longer.
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