My grandfather died on Saturday, yesterday. It was leukemia, a cancer of the bone marrow that interferes with blood-production within the body. By the time it was discovered, it was already at Stage 4. He died peacefully, at home, with loved ones nearby.
I'm not sure how to feel about all this. To some extent, I don't really feel anything. I'm just...numb. For the most part, I've just been avoiding the issue. Boot up my laptop, surf the web; plug in and check out. Looking back, that seems to be my default strategy: avoidance of the issue. It's easier to not get involved than to leave yourself open to getting hurt.
I find my mind drifting to things I've encountered in the past. Two words taken from "The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows" come to mind, as they now have greater meaning to me. Sonder: the realization that everyone around you is leading a life fully real, but still separate from your own. Yes, your story and theirs may connect up for a time, but they are still two separate stories. Socha: the hidden vulnerability of others. The people around have problems; some are small problems, some are big problems, but the problems are there. If I go to the grocery store, the cashier is very unlikely to know that my grandfather passed away recently (unless I were to mention it outright, which would be thoroughly tactless on my part), and would not know of my inner turmoil. But by the same token, I am unaware of whatever tragedies that may or may not be plaguing their thoughts and feelings.
And yet, through it all, we keep going.
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