Deconstruction of Emotions Following a Nosebleed

 Last night, while at work, I experienced a nosebleed. This isn't especially surprising, given the dryness of the Winter air, and also the dryness of the air inside the facility where I work. Still, it was an off-putting experience, and one that left me feeling various feelings. Afterwards, I thought about these feelings, and tried to determine why I felt these particular emotions.

The first emotion was frustration. Why was I frustrated? Well, getting a nosebleed is just generally inconvenient. I was wearing a disposable mask at the time and had to throw it out (due it being soaked with my blood). There is also the fact that I have had a string of nosebleeds recently, a string that - apparently - refuses to end! While I do try to humidify the air at home, it does not seem to be helping, or at least not to the degree that I desire. A plan made and effort expended, amounting to nothing - grounds for frustration, yes?

The second emotion was embarrassment. Why was I embarrassed? I am having a problem, one that interferes with my ability to do my job. One might view this as a sign of weakness. And, as mentioned earlier, I have taken steps to correct this problem. And yet, they do not work. Incapability and/or incompetence on my part, perhaps? It has been a long time since I had to stop working because my nose spontaneous started bleeding out. I am older now, more experienced, more capable than I once was, and yet I still fall victim to the same problems as when I was starting out. I am embarrassed because I worry about how others will view me.

The third emotion was discomfort, specifically at having to show my face. Why did I feel discomfort? For a long time now, we were required to wear masks at work. It was only very recently that masks became optional again. I chose to continue wearing a mask, partly because I had grown used to wearing one, partly because I may or may not have a cold and wanted to minimize the risk of exposing my co-workers to my possible illness. I wear a mask because I CHOOSE to wear a mask; I am in control of the situation. I get a nosebleed, spill blood onto my mask, and must discard it. An involuntary event has forced me to unmask; I am no longer in control of the situation. I feel discomfort because I do not feel that I have control anymore.

It was...a curious occurrence, looking inward at my emotions. Not merely feeling something but striving to understand WHY I felt this way. I don't normally engage in such acts of self-awareness, and while I felt content shortly after (having figured out the WHY behind my emotions), I now feel discontent. Should I look inwards at my feelings more frequently? Perhaps, but then I worry that I may become obsessed over understanding my own emotions, trying to pick apart everything rather than just FEEL it... 

I think I may have opened up a door I should have left shut.