A week ago, Memorial Day passed, and I found myself wondering how - or rather, if - I will be remembered in the years to come. I'm going to be thirty years old soon, and as I look back on my life, I am not impressed. Put simply, I haven't gone anywhere or done anything noteworthy.
I have recently been reading from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, and... I've found several words that describe my situation all too well:
Koinophobia: fear of leading an average life. My life has been very average. I wake up, get ready for work, go to work, work, go home, unwind, sleep. My life thus far has been remarkably unremarkable and is likely to continue in this manner.
Onism: awareness of how little you will experience. Between my modest paycheck and lack of time off, any grand trip anywhere is out of the question. (It doesn't help that nearly everything has gotten WAY more expensive as of late, what with global supply chain issues.) I try to stay away from social media for various reasons, one of which is that I doubt I could handle it: the festering jealousy that would no doubt take off as I look at other people's opulent lifestyles and grand adventures, while I'm stuck here.
Olēka: awareness of how few days are memorable. I do so little, so it makes sense that so little of my life is memorable. I keep a journal (well, several - I've been journaling for several years, now) and can usually sum up my day in only a paragraph or two. I've looked through past journals before; it was a rather dry read.
Pâro: the feeling that everything you do is wrong. Honestly, I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Often, I feel like a kid trapped in the body of an adult - like at the age of thirteen or fourteen I stopped maturing, and I've just been faking it ever since. I'm so scared of making the wrong move that I don't make ANY move, which is CLEARLY the wrong option! There's just no winning.
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