What Was, What Could Be

Earlier today, I had a bout of bad dreams. I went to bed somewhat late but compensated by sleeping through the morning and into the early afternoon. However, I did not sleep well. I kept waking up, and when I was able to sleep, I suffered from bad dreams. They were about attending college.

As I have written about in earlier entries, I was academically dismissed due to poor grades. The poor grades were due in part to poor study habits, and in part to complications from depression. (It really is quite difficult to calculate the flow rate of water through a pipe of such and such dimensions when your thoughts keep turning to how much better the world would be if you were dead.) The dismissal was to last for a period of two years; after that time, I could reapply to become a student. Those two years are nearly up.

I suspect that I was remembering this, and forcing my conscious mind to acknowledge this fact. Unfortunately, my subconscious did so in a way that did not inspire much confidence.

Of the dreams themselves, I don't remember much of the details of the later ones, and I don't remember the earlier ones at all. I remember dreaming about having difficulty settling in, and feeling awkwardness about sharing living quarters with another person. I also remember that one dream saw me waking up late on the first day of classes, and looking at my schedule and not being sure what building I was supposed to go to.

I am frightened by the prospect of going back, and that's assuming that they will actually take me back. I don't know what I should do. But I do need to figure something out, and soon. Time keeps moving forward, and we have to keep moving along with it.